How To Be A Good Parent

Take this with a grain of salt... as I've only been a Dad for five years. Every other year I mark an assignment at Pacific Life Bible College where students reflect on their 'adolescent experience'. In this assignment they write about their family's health and how that affected their development.

In many cases they share experiences and feelings which they have never shared with anyone else. (Don't worry, in their second year they go through Freedom Sessions where they are given an opportunity to process their life at the foot of the cross and with supportive, safe relationships.)

A common thing arises in the different life journeys I read. It is my observation that no matter how much parents try to place their kids in a protective bubble, whether by homeschool, Christian school, or close monitoring of public school, their kids experience sin and its pain.

They experience sin through their parents, their siblings, and whoever else they meet.  Sin comes in the form of over-protective, over-authoritative, parenting.  Sin comes in the form of a parent that works long hours.  Sin comes in the form of a depressed parent.  Sin comes in the form of a disconnected or conditional love.  Sin comes in the form of a nickname that stings and sticks to their identity.  Sin comes in the form of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.  Sin happens within their kid's lives even if everyone around them is perfect because it is their kid's nature. Everyone experiences sin and its outcome.

Upon reading these papers I find myself asking questions like, what could their parents have done differently to keep this from happening?  Parenting isn't easy.

I am learning to come to peace with the reality that sin exists.  I know that despite my best efforts, I will hurt my kids.  I know that they will hurt themselves.  I know that they will hurt others.  I know that others will hurt them.  By saying that I am at peace with this reality simply means that I'm not going to lock them in the attic or move to the middle of Alaska, because the problem resides within me and within them.

How should good parents respond? What should the focus of good parents be?

At first you are going to think this is the token Christian answer, but let me spell it out for you. The best thing you can do as a parent is to be head over heals in love with Jesus. Not in a churchy, religious, superficial way, but in a humble, loving, gracious, and growing way.

If you want your kids to experience less sin, start by becoming more like the One who was without sin. This is not a legalistic process, but a lifelong relational journey. Allow Jesus into every part of your life and give Him control. Allow Him to accept and forgive you. Allow the freeing and life giving act of His forgiveness to invade the darkest parts of your life. Live life in His freedom each and every day and you will become more like the person you want to be; more like the person He created you to be!  Life in Him and with Him is simply the best... for you, your spouse, and your kids. He will render in you a sustaining joy, delight, and hope.

His life and presence working in and through you will make you healthier which will make your marriage healthier.  This is the next priority in good parenting.  The natural outflow of a healthy person is healthier relationships and this is realized more obviously in our closest relationships.  Furthermore, since marriage is the best experiential platform for our relationship with God, your relationship with your spouse will be the next best thing for your kids. The degree of dysfunction or health in a husband and wife's relationship will determine the balance of the opportunities for hurt or healing in your kids.

The third priority in good parenting is the health of your relationship with your kids.  The health of this relationship again will depend on the health of your relationship with Jesus.

One thing is certain: your kids will experience sin and its pain.  The part that is up to you is whether or not you surrender your life to Jesus and allow Him to raise you, so that, you can know how to raise them.  It really is that simple.  It really is that hard.
   
   

Live Smarter

I'm getting old.  Up until three years ago I could operate on 4-5 hours of sleep as long as one or two nights of each month I was able to crash for 12-14 hours.  That 4-5 has turned into 6-7 with a desire to crash one night a week for 8-9 hours.  The good news is that I have learned to live and work smarter (albeit, I have much more to learn).  What does living and working smarter look like for me?

I pray more.  Five years ago, I considered any prayer longer than a couple minutes a waste of time. I am now learning the value of communication with God. Prayer renders my actions/work more effective and efficient. Prayer accomplishes things I could never do on my own. Prayer places me in submission to God. Prayer brings me closer to God.

I read the Word more.  I have often fallen into the trap of thinking that Scripture's sole purpose is to provide good doctrine (solid answers to questions about who God is, who man is, and how the two relate).   While systematic theology is a great thing, the Word provides so much more. Through Scripture I am able to hear God speak with crystal clarity.  His Word is engaged by His Spirit and it transforms my head and heart's understanding.  The more I read the Word, the less I am concerned about having perfect answers and the more I am concerned about hearing and knowing God.  In other words, the focus of my reading isn't the text, but hearing and knowing the author of the text.

I see my life differently.  My shared values with the world are becoming less. In a culture that is very much time and production oriented, I am finding myself less concerned about efficiencies and worldly success.  I evaluate my success more on obedience than production. I value the process just as much as the result.  The way this lives out in my life is through relating to people.  It's very easy to rank people based on their ability to help me achieve my objectives. Those that can't help me are written off and those that can are used.  I am more convinced today than ever that God cares more about the grace I extend to others than what they can extend to me.  I can leave production up to Him and work on faithfulness in the moment.  This is perhaps my biggest challenge.  I am a slow work in progress.

I spend more time with less people.  Instead of running around trying to help everyone or be friends with everyone, I am learning to become more focused with my time.  In regards to our Church this plays out in an area the business world calls 'leadership development', but perhaps we can call it what it really is, 'discipleship'.  I'm learning a more complete version of discipleship.  We often stop discipling people once we feel they are pretty stable in their faith and they've stopped doing certain sins.  However, we shouldn't stop discipling someone until they do what we do (reach and disciple others) and until they do it better.  It's the truth behind the old Chinese proverb, "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime."  It's what Jesus did with the disciples.  It's what the apostles did with their disciples.  In the short-term production goes down, but in the long-term it will be awesome.

I am still a rookie in these areas, but feel I've taken some good first steps.  I also have many other areas to grow in as well.  I'm embarrassed that it's taken me this long to begin putting these values into action.  I guess it's better late than never.  I hope that I continue to grow in living and working smarter.  I hope to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

God is Stirring the Pot

I've been listening/watching to the online streaming of the US Foursquare Church Convention called Connect and have been very encouraged.  I find God's grace and providence amazing as the US Foursquare Church has been focusing on Acts since January and I wasn't even aware.  Connect has been the fruit and the discussion place for the result of pastors reading and teaching acts for the last five months.

There is something stirring in my heart that began before reading/studying/teaching Acts, but has grown during our early stages of our journey through Acts, and Connect has thrown more gas on to the fire.  I believe that over the next couple years we are going to experience a significant amount of changes/correction/calling/centering.  I don't move fast, but each step is strong and steady.

God has put us together, the ingredients (you and me [our time/talents/money/heart/experience]), and he is stirring to unite us into a recipe that can be enjoyed by our community and world... it's called the Church (the complete expression and manifestation of the wisdom of God) and by His power and presence He will build His Church and the gates of Hell will not withstand our advance.

A video that helps communicate some of the thoughts that are stirring in my heart can be seen below:

This is Discipling from The Foursquare Church on Vimeo.