Caring Enough to Confront

I just re-read Caring Enough to Confront by David Augsburger in preparation for a discussion group on this book with some of our ministry leaders. There are very few books that I would recommend everyone read and this is one. Because no one is an island unto them self, this book is helpful for everyone.

Its success is found in the practical way the author rolls out Biblical relational truth and health. While there are lots of folks teaching general principles, very few are able to understand the principle so well that they can break it down in such helpful ways. He literally gives the reader the words to say and the reason for each word.

The basic premise of the book is that confronting those we love doesn’t have to be difficult or destructive. Augsburger teaches that healthy confrontation is critical to the health and growth of all relationships. When done correctly, the net result is that both parties love each other more and are better for the exchange.

I underlined about one-third of the book, but here are a few of my favourite short excerpts [there’s way more stuff that you will find more helpful than the following quotes… these are more for my own filing]:

“Avoiding honest statements of real feelings and viewpoints is often considered kindness, thoughtfulness or generosity. More often it is the most cruel thing I can do to others. It is benevolent lying. Selective honesty is not honesty at all. I find myself using it (1) to avoid real relationships with others … (2) to avoid clear confrontation with others; (3) to manipulate situations or facts to protect myself or others.” (p.31)

“In speaking truthfully, I welcome you to the sacred room of my soul.” (p.32)

“Closed questions have one obvious response. Often they are a strategy for directing, dominating, or controlling the other.  … [Examples] ‘Don’t you feel that…?’ ‘Wouldn’t you rather…?’" (p.34-35)

“’… to demand by angry words or pouting that others recognize the preciousness of the self I am … Such demands fail because in making my demand I reject and ignore the very persons I want to love me’” (p.48 – quoting Frank Kimper)

“When unchallenged, human beings often become self-centered, individualistic, self-absorbed. When unchallenged, human groups tend to drift, wander or stagnate. When unchallenged, relationships tend to repent, become routine, become stale or stuck. Life without challenge and confrontation is directionless, aimless, passive; or selfish, self-serving, empty.” (p. 61)

“A context of caring can be created when a person is truly for another; genuinely concerned about another, authentically related to another.” (p.62)

I underlined Chapter 7 from beginning to end. Everyone needs to read it.

“Which is it? ‘Insanity is inherited – you get it from your children’ or ‘True parents delight as their kids surpass them’?” (p.139)

“’When I kill my enemy, do I destroy my way to God – do I, in fact, kill God?’" (p.164)
 
 

"The Conflict" by Elisabeth Badinter

I one day hope to be adequately prepared to present a sermon series on gender and identity. In preparation for that time I am studying Scripture in addition to reading Christian and secular books on the topic. I'd like to be as in touch with our world's views of these issues as I am Scripture's so that I can clearly and competently connect the two. It is my observation that most Christians (myself included) are not adequately prepared when discussing these issues due to ignorance of Scripture and ignorance of other worldviews. This book "review" is the beginning of many on this topic. [If you're here simply for updates on Angela, I apologize as this blog serves many functions and this post disrupts the flow of her updates.]

I just finished reading, The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women by Elisabeth Badinter.  Badinter is a philosophy teacher at Ecole Polytechnique in Paris and has authored a number of best sellers relating to feminism. Her voice is an influential one and her teaching/writing pushes a feminist agenda.

The main thrust of this book is the belief that “reverence for all things natural glorifies an old concept of the maternal instinct and applauds masochism [pleasure in being abused or dominated] and sacrifice, constituting a supreme threat to women’s emancipation and sexual equality.” (p. 167)

She argues that in the 1970’s women fought and earned new-found freedoms/rights in society.  These rights were born through cultural changes/acceptance (singleness as a viable option, women in leadership, etc.), scientific discoveries (birth control, better formula for babies, epidurals, etc.), and philosophical/political changes (legalization of abortion). She observes that since this era the feminist agenda has gone backwards as culture has emphasized a more natural agenda (due to breastfeeding advocates; child development philosophies, etc.) on top of other factors. Some of these other factors would include government family policies that hinder women staying in the workforce; a slowing economy (leaving less-skilled women unemployed); and children of 70’s moms who felt neglected by their career/rights-driven mom and now want to do things differently than her.

She also spends a lot of time developing the idea that returning to an old maternal instinct of mothering results in a lot of pressure on mothers in addition to a mom’s other desires (seeking fulfillment in other avenues of life… career, art, etc.).

She also observes that “the individualism and hedonism [the doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the sole or chief good in life] that are hallmarks of our culture have become the primary motivations for having children, but also sometimes the reason not to. For a majority of women it remains difficult to reconcile increasingly burdensome maternal responsibilities with personal fulfillment.” (p. 2)  “In a civilization that puts self first, motherhood is a challenge, even a contradiction.” (p. 13)

Badinter’s bigger picture/agenda is summarized well in the opening to chapter four, “The irony of this history is that it was precisely at the point that Western women finally rid themselves of patriarchy [control by men of a disproportionately large share of power] that they acquired a new master at home. Women had achieved financial independence as well as control over whether they had children or not: they had no reason, it seemed, to continue to confront men’s power. Yet, thirty years later, there is no denying that male denomination exists.” (p. 96)

Overall the book’s thought process is a bit fragmented and negligent in discussing the merits of other worldviews related to this topic. Its tone leans more to being a rant rather than an objective analysis of sexual equality in modern motherhood.

I don’t have time at the moment to respond in depth from a Christian worldview to her observations, so I will simply file her thoughts away for processing later in the aforementioned sermon series. The purpose of me placing this on my blog is more for my own filing than for public consumption… that being said the issues she raises are prevalent, so if it gets you thinking and searching the Scriptures for God’s perspective on these issues then great!

 
 

Do Hard Things

Just finished reading "Do Hard Things" by Alex & Brett Harris. I had heard many good things about this book and borrowed it from a colleague. While I didn't find any of the concepts revolutionary, the uniqueness of this book is that it is written by teenagers for teenagers. The authors challenge teens to arm themselves with wisdom and live differently than the norm.

I recommend every parent and teenager read this book. The perfect combination may be a parent and grade seven student going through it together.  It's good for parents because it will challenge their view of the adolescent period and change their goals for their son/daughter.  It's good for teens because it will ask life changing questions.

Here are some quotes from the book:

"By choosing to use our teen years for strict training, we can choose to set direction, develop character, and build momentum for an amazing future." (p.50)

"Without a doubt, pushing yourself to do more than is asked, expected, or required is nearly always a lonely choice." (p.89)

"Habits like working hard, maintaining a positive attitude, living with self-discipline and integrity, and serving others brings benefits to our lives now and pay enormous dividends in the future -- if we do them faithfully." (pp.127-138)

It's written by Christians and is Biblically based. The authors use lots of illustrations and stories to make the concepts easy to understand and fun to read.

You can buy the book here: http://www.amazon.com/Do-Hard-Things-Rebellion-Expectations/dp/1601421125

32 Years And I Still Love Church

I've been "going" to Church for 32 years and I still look forward to Sunday morning. We aren't a perfect Church. We have some things out of balance; some things are overly religious and others are underly religious.  Perhaps its because I don't "go" to Church, I am a part of the Church.  Church is my family and I am an active part of her success and failures.  There are highs and lows, but because of my love for Christ and His love for the Church, I am committed.  The act of committing to Church is very much like committing to marriage or to raising a family.  No doubt there are struggles, but because of the commitment we persevere and a bond is built.  The bond creates an environment for real love and delight unlike any other.

One of the best pieces of advice I can give you is to find a Church close to your home that holds good doctrine (at the very least, on the essentials) and lay down roots.  Open your life and heart, serve and give, love and hope together.  There's not doubt that at some point you will get hurt (just as in marriage/family), but perhaps that's the only way you'll learn the power of Christ's forgiveness and the depth of His grace.  I don't say that to excuse people/behaviour that harm/abuse others.  I say that to give you a clear picture that it's not just in the receiving of grace that we grow in Christ, but that we usually grow more when we learn to extend it others.

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I hope all is well in your world.  We've been enjoying the nice weather and not enjoying having to say goodbye to my sister and brother-in-law (they are moving to Vegreville, AB... home of the giant Pysanka Egg).  They had a garage sale the other day and Ruby set-up a lemonade and cookie stand.  She's started to raise funds so that she can send some Operation Christmas Child boxes to kids this Christmas. Her cookies and lemonade brought in $50.

Last night I made Angela watch "The Last Air Bender" with me.  It was pretty dumb, but I liked how the story was based on a Stoic philosophy (something I have been reading about the last two weeks).  Ang fell asleep half way through and I caught myself nodding off a time or two.

As mentioned in my sermon today we starting a new plan of memorizing Scripture at the Nelson house.  We are going to memorize one verse a month as a family.  Every dinner and at bedtime (and probably at a few other times through out the day) we will read and recite together.  We start tonight with Genesis 1:1 “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.”


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I hope you have a great week filled with many opportunities to respond and engage the Good News of Jesus.  Thank you for being such an awesome Church family!

How To Be A Good Parent

Take this with a grain of salt... as I've only been a Dad for five years. Every other year I mark an assignment at Pacific Life Bible College where students reflect on their 'adolescent experience'. In this assignment they write about their family's health and how that affected their development.

In many cases they share experiences and feelings which they have never shared with anyone else. (Don't worry, in their second year they go through Freedom Sessions where they are given an opportunity to process their life at the foot of the cross and with supportive, safe relationships.)

A common thing arises in the different life journeys I read. It is my observation that no matter how much parents try to place their kids in a protective bubble, whether by homeschool, Christian school, or close monitoring of public school, their kids experience sin and its pain.

They experience sin through their parents, their siblings, and whoever else they meet.  Sin comes in the form of over-protective, over-authoritative, parenting.  Sin comes in the form of a parent that works long hours.  Sin comes in the form of a depressed parent.  Sin comes in the form of a disconnected or conditional love.  Sin comes in the form of a nickname that stings and sticks to their identity.  Sin comes in the form of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.  Sin happens within their kid's lives even if everyone around them is perfect because it is their kid's nature. Everyone experiences sin and its outcome.

Upon reading these papers I find myself asking questions like, what could their parents have done differently to keep this from happening?  Parenting isn't easy.

I am learning to come to peace with the reality that sin exists.  I know that despite my best efforts, I will hurt my kids.  I know that they will hurt themselves.  I know that they will hurt others.  I know that others will hurt them.  By saying that I am at peace with this reality simply means that I'm not going to lock them in the attic or move to the middle of Alaska, because the problem resides within me and within them.

How should good parents respond? What should the focus of good parents be?

At first you are going to think this is the token Christian answer, but let me spell it out for you. The best thing you can do as a parent is to be head over heals in love with Jesus. Not in a churchy, religious, superficial way, but in a humble, loving, gracious, and growing way.

If you want your kids to experience less sin, start by becoming more like the One who was without sin. This is not a legalistic process, but a lifelong relational journey. Allow Jesus into every part of your life and give Him control. Allow Him to accept and forgive you. Allow the freeing and life giving act of His forgiveness to invade the darkest parts of your life. Live life in His freedom each and every day and you will become more like the person you want to be; more like the person He created you to be!  Life in Him and with Him is simply the best... for you, your spouse, and your kids. He will render in you a sustaining joy, delight, and hope.

His life and presence working in and through you will make you healthier which will make your marriage healthier.  This is the next priority in good parenting.  The natural outflow of a healthy person is healthier relationships and this is realized more obviously in our closest relationships.  Furthermore, since marriage is the best experiential platform for our relationship with God, your relationship with your spouse will be the next best thing for your kids. The degree of dysfunction or health in a husband and wife's relationship will determine the balance of the opportunities for hurt or healing in your kids.

The third priority in good parenting is the health of your relationship with your kids.  The health of this relationship again will depend on the health of your relationship with Jesus.

One thing is certain: your kids will experience sin and its pain.  The part that is up to you is whether or not you surrender your life to Jesus and allow Him to raise you, so that, you can know how to raise them.  It really is that simple.  It really is that hard.
   
   

Coming Back Down the Mountain

I came across this article and thought it would be helpful for our parents who send kids to camp as well as our Sunday School and Youth Ministry leaders/volunteers.  It will help our homes and ministries with post-camp life.

Posted By: Shawn Michael Shoup on June 20 2011

My two oldest daughters and I just got back from a 2,700-mile, two-week journey visiting summer camps in our district. We've still got a couple more camps to visit in July. It was an amazing trip and I've just got to say that it's such a blessing to do what I get to do!

Every year, as youth workers engage and God does amazing things up on the mountain, we begin to concern ourselves with how well students will hold on to their experience, what they've learned, and what they've received as they come back down from the mountain.

These are simple, but here's three things I shared with students as a challenge to keep growing as they go back home.

    LOVE GOD. Like I said, simple. But a lot of students wonder why they don't experience God in the same way as they do at camp. I have a hunch. When they were at camp, they were consistantly engaging in scripture, small group discussions, quiet times, and reflection. If they go home and don't do any of that, don't spend time building relationship with God, well… guess what? There is going to be a different outcome. I think this is a great time to teach students how to have personal times with God, developing that deeper relationship.
    
    ENGAGING CULTURE. As students go, I believe they are going as "sent ones." If we have been saved, we have been sent. It's all part of the Great Commission (which happened to be our theme verses this year). It's a natural outflow of loving God. As they get closer and closer to the heartbeat of God, students will find that they adopt his compassion for loving others. If we stop going, we stop growing. It's part of who God called us to be.
    
    KEEP COMMUNITY. Encouraging students to keep surrounding themselves with others who will challenge their faith and relationship with God is key. We need each other. We weren't wired to do this faith thing alone.

I'm praying for students this week. That they will keep pursuing all of the God-purposes that were planted in their spirit at camp. I hope and pray the same for your students!


Posted at: http://www.youthspecialties.com/blog/coming-back-down-the-mountain/?utm_source=Youth+Specialties&utm_campaign=e3812982bd-YSU_6_22_2011&utm_medium=email&mc_cid=e3812982bd&mc_eid=59f9968cb1

New Athiesm Lecture at Wheaton College

It's almost two hours long, but is definitely worth the time.  I don't agree with all of D'Souza's beliefs or methods, but this lecture has many good points.  We live in a culture of new atheism where the agenda is aggressive and seeks to destroy Christianity.  Our response must not only be founded and wrapped in the love of Jesus, but must be engaged on an intellectual level as well.  For too long Christians have either ignored or run away from worldviews like atheism.  The result has aided the advance of atheism, the belittling of the faith/Church, and the loss of our Children to other worldviews.  I think it's time for the Church and especially parents to do their homework, know the times and have solid, loving, answers.

The lecture can be watched through iTunes (needs to be downloaded and installed on your computer).  Once iTunes is installed on your computer, click this link: http://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/new-atheism-lecture-video/id430708393?i=92793651

Grace-Based Parenting

When Terry Janzen (Port Coquitlam Campus Pastor of Northside Foursquare Church and a former youth pastor of 20-some years!) recommended "Grace-Based Parenting" (by Dr. Tim Kimmel) to me a couple years ago as one the best books he has read on parenting (and he's read a lot), I knew I needed to read it.  It's now the book we give out at baby dedications and I highly recommend every parent read it (in addition to daily reading of Scripture).

I read parts of back then, but I made time to read all of tonight... and it is even better than I remember it (perhaps because parenting has become even more relevant to me with growing kids).  :)

Dr. Kimmel does an excellent job of marrying sound theology with practical application.  He describes the big picture well and then gives practical scenarios (in the real world, not the Christian bubble) that put flesh on God's truth.  The thrust of the book is that if parents are being parented by God then they'll be great parents.  In other words, if we raise our kids in the way that God raises us, things will be okay (if we don't trust that then we fundamentally don't trust God).  The author is not one of those guys where grace is a license to do whatever we want, but he argues that grace is the culture and attitude where truth can be planted and take root.  Dr. Kimmel believes that every child has a fundamental need of security, significance, and strength.  He follows that up with comments that all three are answered in love, purpose, and hope (and then describes how to live those out in the real world).

It's a refreshing read.  One that I plan on reading again in a couple years.  I'll put a couple copies in the Church library for circulation.  If you want to have your own, you can buy it at Amazon.