Caring Enough to Confront

I just re-read Caring Enough to Confront by David Augsburger in preparation for a discussion group on this book with some of our ministry leaders. There are very few books that I would recommend everyone read and this is one. Because no one is an island unto them self, this book is helpful for everyone.

Its success is found in the practical way the author rolls out Biblical relational truth and health. While there are lots of folks teaching general principles, very few are able to understand the principle so well that they can break it down in such helpful ways. He literally gives the reader the words to say and the reason for each word.

The basic premise of the book is that confronting those we love doesn’t have to be difficult or destructive. Augsburger teaches that healthy confrontation is critical to the health and growth of all relationships. When done correctly, the net result is that both parties love each other more and are better for the exchange.

I underlined about one-third of the book, but here are a few of my favourite short excerpts [there’s way more stuff that you will find more helpful than the following quotes… these are more for my own filing]:

“Avoiding honest statements of real feelings and viewpoints is often considered kindness, thoughtfulness or generosity. More often it is the most cruel thing I can do to others. It is benevolent lying. Selective honesty is not honesty at all. I find myself using it (1) to avoid real relationships with others … (2) to avoid clear confrontation with others; (3) to manipulate situations or facts to protect myself or others.” (p.31)

“In speaking truthfully, I welcome you to the sacred room of my soul.” (p.32)

“Closed questions have one obvious response. Often they are a strategy for directing, dominating, or controlling the other.  … [Examples] ‘Don’t you feel that…?’ ‘Wouldn’t you rather…?’" (p.34-35)

“’… to demand by angry words or pouting that others recognize the preciousness of the self I am … Such demands fail because in making my demand I reject and ignore the very persons I want to love me’” (p.48 – quoting Frank Kimper)

“When unchallenged, human beings often become self-centered, individualistic, self-absorbed. When unchallenged, human groups tend to drift, wander or stagnate. When unchallenged, relationships tend to repent, become routine, become stale or stuck. Life without challenge and confrontation is directionless, aimless, passive; or selfish, self-serving, empty.” (p. 61)

“A context of caring can be created when a person is truly for another; genuinely concerned about another, authentically related to another.” (p.62)

I underlined Chapter 7 from beginning to end. Everyone needs to read it.

“Which is it? ‘Insanity is inherited – you get it from your children’ or ‘True parents delight as their kids surpass them’?” (p.139)

“’When I kill my enemy, do I destroy my way to God – do I, in fact, kill God?’" (p.164)